Am I Racist? A Hard Question for White Parents of Black or Brown Kids
Jun 04, 2025It only took 10 seconds for educator Jane Elliott to demonstrate how racism lives in all of us.
She asked a room full of mostly white people:
“If you would be happy to be treated as this society treats our Black citizens, please stand up.”
No one stood.
She waited a moment and repeated the question. Again—no one moved.
Then she said:
“That means you know what’s happening, you know it’s bad, and you don’t want it for yourself. So why are you willing to accept it for others?”
That’s racism.
Not just slurs or hate crimes.
Not just tiki torches or swastikas.
Racism is the air we breathe in America.
The systems. The silence. The comfort of looking away.
And if you’re a white parent raising Black or Brown children, the question “Am I racist?” is not an abstract one. It’s urgent. It’s intimate. It’s in your home.
Let’s start with some truth:
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The average white household in the U.S. holds seven times the wealth of the average Black household.
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Black Americans are five times more likely to be evicted than white Americans.
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Black babies are twice as likely to die before their first birthday.
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Black men receive sentences six times longer than white men for the same crimes.
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Black people are 13% of the population but 38% of the incarcerated.
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Meanwhile, white people are 75% of the population but make up only 50% of the inmates.
Let that sink in.
Now take a breath—and take it personally.
If your child is Black or Brown, they will face the consequences of this system unless something changes. And that change starts with you.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself—not to shame, but to awaken:
Daily Life Check-In
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When was the last time you read a bedtime story where the hero looked like your child?
Did you have to search for it? Special order it? Or settle for something “close enough”? -
When you buy Band-Aids, do they match your child’s skin?
Or is “flesh-colored” still defined as beige? -
At your favorite pool or hotel, are there hair products for textured hair—or only white people’s hair?
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When you watch the news, do you instinctively trust the white voices more than the Black ones?
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Did you grow up hearing about Woodstock—but never heard of the Harlem Cultural Festival?
(Also called the Summer of Soul, this 1969 event drew 300,000 Black people and celebrated Black culture and power. But history erased it.)
Big Picture Check-In
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What did this country do as a backlash to its first Black president?
What are we still doing in its aftermath? -
Have you ever felt fear or discomfort when crossing paths with a Black man at night?
Then ask yourself: How will I respond when my own son is the one being feared? -
Have you ever assumed a teacher’s version of events was correct—especially when your child was accused?
Would your response have been the same if your child was white? -
Do you sometimes fear that your child’s strong emotions or tantrums will be read as aggression rather than developmentally normal behavior?
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Are you still trying to raise your child the way you were raised—without considering that your whiteness gave you safety, belonging, and the benefit of the doubt that they will not automatically receive?
This Isn’t About Guilt. It’s About Growth.
We’re not here to wallow in guilt. Guilt is passive.
This is about responsibility. And love.
Because love without awareness can be dangerous.
If we don’t face this—if we don’t shift our mindset, our habits, our communities, and our systems—then our kids will carry not only their ancestors’ trauma, but our blind spots, too.
Racism isn’t just something “out there.” It’s something “in here.”
And your willingness to look in the mirror is what will make all the difference.
You don’t need to be perfect.
But you do need to be awake.
That’s why I created White Awake Parenting—to help white parents raising Black or Brown kids find their way through the fog of privilege, silence, and confusion. To give our children what they actually need: not just love, but liberating love. Love that tells the truth. Love that shows up. Love that listens. Love that builds.
It starts with the question: Am I racist?
And the courage to keep asking.
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