If You’re Not Dismantling Whiteness, It’s Raising Your Child
Jun 02, 2025I used to believe that my fierce love for my Black twins was enough to inoculate them against racism. But whiteness—my own unexamined assumptions, reflexes, and fears—kept showing up in the quiet moments of parenting.
Late one night, I noticed a tall Black man walking toward me on an empty street. My hand tightened around my phone and I crossed to the other side without thinking.
Two steps in, the realization hit me like cold water: One day my son will be that man in someone else’s headlight beam.
No matter how much I trusted my boy’s goodness, another person’s conditioned alarm could cost him safety—or his life. And what frightened me more was knowing that my own body had just broadcast the same message of suspicion that I hoped the world would never send to him.
Discipline or Fear?
Moments like that crept into my parenting, too. When my son’s anger flared—loud, raw, and entirely age-appropriate—I felt my nervous system spike faster than it did with the white kid of my best friend. Was I reacting to his behavior, or to a lifetime of social stories about “angry Black males”? The consequence I chose sometimes fit more with calming my fear than guiding his growth.
The Hidden Parent
That’s what I mean when I say: If we’re not dismantling whiteness, it’s raising our kids.
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Whiteness decides who looks “safe” on the sidewalk.
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Whiteness interprets a loud Black boy as “threat” and a loud white boy as “spirited.”
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Whiteness whispers that “good parenting” is color-blind, when every institution will see our children’s color first.
Left unchecked, those messages shape our discipline, our advocacy, and the limits we unconsciously place on our children’s dreams.
Turning the Lens Inward
Dismantling whiteness isn’t an abstract academic exercise; it’s daily interior work that shows up in how we:
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Observe Reflexes
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Notice when your body tenses around Blackness—on the street, in media, in your own home.
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Ask, “Where did I learn that story, and is it true?”
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Interrogate Discipline
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Before a consequence, pause. Is this about teaching or controlling? About safety or my discomfort?
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Replace punishment rooted in fear with boundaries rooted in dignity.
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Center Black Voices
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Stock your children’s shelves—and your own mind—with books, films, mentors, and therapists who affirm Blackness.
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Let your kids see you learning from Black leaders, not just teaching about them.
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Name the System Out Loud
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Say “white supremacy” at the dinner table. Explain it in age-appropriate language. Silence leaves kids alone with confusion and blame and puts their lives on the line.
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Build Community That Holds You Accountable
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Join groups where other white parents are doing this work.
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Invite trusted friends of color to tell you when you miss the mark—and believe them. (please don't defend yourself with good intentions)
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What Changes When We Do the Work?
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Kids learn trust. They see that you resist harmful narratives, so they can bring their full selves home without editing.
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Anger becomes information, not threat. Your child’s big feelings aren’t policed; they’re guided.
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Safety expands. Crossing the street becomes a deliberate choice about traffic, not people.
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Love turns active. It’s no longer “I don’t see color,” but “I see your color, your history, your beauty—and I will fight for it.”
A Practice, Not a Badge
Dismantling whiteness is lifelong. I still catch my reflex to cross the street. I still breathe through spikes of fear when my son’s voice booms. But each time I interrupt the pattern, I hand my children one less brick of inherited harm—and one more plank of fierce, accountable love.
If we do not raise our consciousness, whiteness will raise our children for us and put them at risk. Let’s choose differently. Let’s choose them.
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