What Did I Say Yes To?
Jun 06, 2025Adoption, Fear, and Loving Through the Unknown
When the phone rang, I said yes.
The adoption agency told me the birth mother had used “some drugs, not much.”
I had just turned down another situation where the expectant mother had used substances daily. So when they said “not much,” I believed them.
But it wasn’t true.
After I took the babies home, and hundreds of pages of medical papers, I found the intake notes. The birth mom had used more than some—a lot more. I was scared out of my mind. I went to three different pediatricians, practically begging them to reassure me we’d be okay.
I was already in love. Completely smitten.
Two tiny souls asleep in matching onesies in my arms.
What was I going to do? Give them back?
The Waters I Knew Would Be Rough
The nurse who handed them to me said, “You have no idea what you’re getting into, do you?”
I smiled and said, “No.”
And then I dove into the deep waters. Because I knew I would swim. I didn’t expect it to be easy. But I had no idea how deep the currents would go.
I didn’t know how often I’d return to that question:
What did I say yes to?
When the Truth Comes in Fragments
When you adopt, you get the children in your care before the adoption is finalized. There’s a three-month period where a social worker checks in to see how things are going. Then you meet a judge who makes it official: these children are yours. Forever. No turning back.
Six months passed between the day they were born and the day I became their mother in the eyes of the law.
But I already was. From day one.
I wouldn’t change a thing about being their mom.
We are meant to be together.
Still, the truth came to me in fragments.
Some of it too late. Some of it I had to piece together myself.
The agency never responded to my letter.
When Fear Moves In
Parenting children with a trauma history, with prenatal exposure, with racialized realities you’ve never lived through yourself — it’s a lot. Add single motherhood, and the pressure multiplies.
When one of my children showed signs of struggle, of course my mind spiraled.
Was it the prenatal exposure?
The generational trauma?
The grief of separation from their first family?
The fact that I was doing this alone?
Was I enough?
Parenting Through the Fog
There is no manual for this kind of parenting. No tidy plan for when the road forks into the unknown. I’ve had to parent through grief, through silence, through guilt, and through the fear that I somehow wasn’t up to the task.
And yet—I show up.
Every day.
Because even though I didn’t know what I was saying yes to…
I meant it.
No One Knows What They're Getting Into
I’ve come to believe this: none of us really knows what we’re getting into.
Not birth parents. Not adoptive parents. Not the children who find themselves in the middle of it all.
We say yes. We do our best. And sometimes, we sit with the unanswered questions.
What I Do Know
I know I love my kids with my whole heart.
I know we were meant to find each other.
I know the system is imperfect and sometimes dishonest.
And I know I’m not the only one walking this road.
If you’ve been lied to. If you’ve doubted yourself. If you’ve lain awake at night thinking, What have I done? — you’re not alone.
At White Awake Parenting, I support parents like us—those walking through the unknown with open hearts and exhausted bodies.
You may not have known what you were getting into.
But if you're still showing up, still loving, still trying to grow—you’re doing it right.
Marion Van Namen
Founder, White Awake Parenting
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