You Should Have Known; You're the Parent
Jul 04, 2025When Awakening Feels Like Betrayal
After the conversation I wrote about last week—the one where my daughter told me “You're not the villain, but you're definitely not the victim”—I kept turning her words over in my heart. They stayed with me like a bell still ringing long after the sound had stopped.
And then it hit me: beneath everything she said that night—beneath the frustration, the fire, the clarity—there was something even deeper. A sense of betrayal.
Not loud. Not cruel. Just real.
Something like:
“It’s almost an insult that you’re waking up to the life I’m living. You’re my parent. You should’ve known.”
I don’t think she said those exact words. But the feeling? The truth of it? Pierced me.
Because from her point of view, my awakening—as sincere and intentional as it may be—comes with a built-in delay.
She’s 13. She’s been living this reality from birth. From before birth. From the moment a Black woman carrying twins—traumatized, addicted, and unsupported—was left to fend for herself in a system not built for her healing.
My daughter never had the luxury of being unaware. She never got to live in a world where the police weren’t a potential threat. Or where her beauty wasn’t up for debate. Or where store clerks didn’t watch her a little too closely. Or where society didn’t whisper—and sometimes shout—that her Blackness made her less worthy, less safe, less loved.
And now here I come… waking up.
You’re my parent. You should’ve known.
That’s not a dig. It’s a truth.
One that humbles me.
Because no matter how deeply I care, how fiercely I fight, or how committed I am to dismantling whiteness and raising conscious children, I can’t change the fact that I arrived late.
That I didn’t know what I didn’t know.
That I did benefit from a system that taught me not to look too closely.
That I spent years asleep to what she—and children like her—were already swimming in.
And when a parent wakes up late, even with the purest intentions, it can feel to the child like a betrayal.
Because when you’re the one living the injustice, someone else learning about it can feel… like too little, too late.
This doesn’t mean I should stop learning. Or stop reflecting. Or stop sharing the truth.
It just means I need to hold the awakening with humility. And never confuse it with virtue.
It means I need to remember that my children don’t need me to discover what they already know.
They need me to catch up. Fast.
And they need me to show up. Fully.
Not with guilt. Not with performative sorrow.
But with presence.
With accountability.
With deep listening and steady love.
So yes. My daughter is right.
It is almost an insult that I’m just now waking up to her daily reality.
Because I’m her parent.
Because I should’ve known.
And now that I do?
There’s no going back to sleep.
If you’re a white parent raising a child of color…
You may be waking up too.
And that’s good. That’s necessary.
But be honest with yourself:
-
Does your awakening center you more than your child?
-
Are you asking your child to hold your grief, your rage, your shame?
-
Have you apologized not only for the system—but for being late?
We can’t go back. But we can show up differently. Starting now.
Need someone to think out loud with?
If you're parenting while waking up, you’re not alone.
And you don’t have to untangle it all in your own head.
I’m here for you.
Book a free, no-pressure session right here.
Let’s talk.
Marion Van Namen
Founder, White Awake Parenting
Don't miss a beat!
New moves, motivation, and classes delivered to your inbox.
We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.
