You Should Have Known; You're the Parent
Jul 04, 2025When Awakening Feels Like Betrayal
After a hard conversation with their child—one of those moments that lands like a quiet earthquake—a parent found themselves haunted by a single phrase:
“You’re not the villain… but you’re definitely not the victim.”
That sentence rang through their heart like a bell. And as the echo settled, a deeper layer of truth emerged—one that hadn’t been said directly, but could be felt in every syllable:
“It’s almost an insult that you’re just now waking up to the life I’ve always lived.
You’re my parent. You should’ve known.”
It wasn’t shouted. It wasn’t cruel. It was just real.
Because when a white parent begins to awaken to the reality their Black or Brown child has always known, there can be a painful dissonance. The parent is waking up. But the child? The child has been awake since birth.
They never had the luxury of being unaware. They’ve always lived in a world where safety, belonging, and dignity had to be fought for. Where suspicion followed them in stores. Where their beauty was questioned. Where they were seen as older, angrier, guiltier—just for existing.
And now… the parent notices.
They start reading. Listening. Speaking out. Unraveling the blindfolds whiteness once tied tight around their eyes.
But from the child’s point of view, this awakening—no matter how sincere—can feel like a betrayal. Because it's late.
And late, in this context, is costly.
This doesn’t mean the awakening isn’t important. It is. It doesn’t mean the parent shouldn’t keep learning. They must.
But it does mean this:
An awakening is not a virtue.
It’s a responsibility.
And if it’s going to mean something, it must be carried with humility—not as a badge, but as a burden of truth.
Because the child doesn’t need their parent to discover the reality of racism.
They need their parent to catch up.
To show up.
To stop making it about their own guilt or shame.
And to start standing, fully present, in the fire of the child’s lived experience.
There’s no going back.
No return to the comfort of unknowing.
But there is a way forward. A way to repair.
Not through perfection, but through presence.
Not through centering whiteness, but through deep listening.
Not through saviorhood, but through solidarity.
If you’re a white parent raising a child of color, and you're waking up—
That’s good. That’s needed.
But ask yourself:
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Am I making my awakening my child’s responsibility?
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Have I apologized not just for the system, but for being late?
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Am I showing up in a way that centers their reality, not my feelings?
There’s no manual for this.
But there is a path.
And you don’t have to walk it alone.
If you’re parenting while waking up, let’s talk.
No shame. No pressure. Just a real conversation.
Book a free session here.
You’re not the villain.
But you're not the victim either.
You’re the parent.
And now’s the time to show up like it.
Marion, Founder White Awake Parenting
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