When Your Kid Comes Home With That Story: Wake-Up Calls for White Parents
Jul 01, 2025It often starts with a story.
Your child walks through the door with a certain look on their face. Maybe they’re quiet. Maybe they’re mad. Maybe they blurt it out while grabbing a snack or kicking off their shoes:
“The security guard followed me around the whole store.”
“This white kid touched my hair and called it ‘so cool and weird.’”
“We were talking about slavery in history class and the teacher kept looking at me like I was the expert.”
Your child already knows what’s going on. They have lived this experience. For them, it’s not a surprise. But for you—the parent—it can be a gut punch. The moment you realize:
No more denial. No more “That doesn’t happen to my kids.”
The benefit of the doubt is gone.
That story is real. And it’s about your child.
Maybe you're tempted to explain it away, “Oh, they didn’t mean it like that.” Or “Maybe it was just a misunderstanding.” But deep down you know that’s not the truth. And honestly? That’s part of the painful awakening. The world your child knows is different—and often harsher—than the world you thought you were protecting them from.
And here’s another twist: your kids often know racism better than you do. Of course they do. They live it every day, in microaggressions, in subtle exclusions, in the looks and assumptions that your whiteness has shielded you from.
This is a wake-up call. For you.
Recently I ran into an acquaintance—a Black man whose wife is Asian. He told me about a racial incident at their child’s school. Afterward, his wife turned to him and said, “I am the mother of Black kids.” It was a moment of recognition she hadn’t had before—not fully. And when she said it, you could feel the shift.
Because parenting a Black child is different.
You don’t get to parent in a neutral world.
You parent in a world where assumptions are made before your child opens their mouth.
Where being too loud or taking too long to choose a snack in a store might be interpreted as a threat.
Where discipline in school isn’t doled out equally.
Where your child may be punished not for what they did, but for how someone feels around them.
If you’ve ever felt that sick pit in your stomach wondering how your child is treated when you're not around—that is your wake-up call. That is whiteness showing itself not as “neutral” or “normal,” but as a shield you carry… and your child does not.
It’s a moment many white parents of kids of color have. A gut-punch of a realization. A painful, necessary invitation:
It’s time to do the work.
“I Think I Might Be Racist.”
If that thought just came up, don’t panic. You’re not alone. That doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you honest. We swim in whiteness. We were raised in it. It's in the books we read, the shows we watched, the history we were taught (and what was left out). If you're white in America or Europe, racism isn't something you chose—it's something you inherited. The question now is: what will you do with that inheritance?
Where to Begin: A Practical Start for the Newly Awake
1. Stop Centering Your Guilt
Yes, this is painful. Yes, it’s disorienting. But your child does not need your shame. They need your action. Your learning. Your listening. Feel your feelings—and then move. This isn’t about your comfort. It’s about your commitment.
2. Get Curious, Not Defensive
Instead of saying, “Are you sure that’s what happened?” try:
“Tell me more.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Has this happened before?”
Your child is trusting you. Don’t shut them down because you’re uncomfortable.
3. Notice the Pattern
That time at the store.
The teacher’s assumptions.
The way your kid is hyper-visible and invisible at the same time.
Start writing these things down. When you document it, you start to see: this isn’t just one rude person. It’s a system. It’s how white supremacy shows up every day—often with a smile and a clipboard.
4. Talk to Other White Parents Who Are Doing the Work
Find people who get it. You don’t have to process your whiteness in front of your child (in fact, please don’t). You need your own space to unpack, ask messy questions, and stay accountable.
5. Learn the Terms
Start with:
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White privilege
-
Implicit bias
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Microaggressions
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Anti-Blackness
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Cultural appropriation
And then keep going. Not as a one-time read but as an ongoing practice. Think of it like parenting—it’s never “done.”
6. Educate Yourself Without Asking Black and Brown People to Teach You
Especially not your child. Google is free. Libraries are full. And there are incredible books, podcasts, and courses created by people of color that are ready for you.
Start with:
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Me and White Supremacy by Layla Saad
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So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo
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The “Code Switch” podcast
- Scene on Radio: "Seeing White" or "The Land That Never Has Been Yet"
7. Talk About Race in Your Home—Early and Often
Silence doesn’t protect children. It leaves them confused and vulnerable. If you’ve avoided “the talk” because your kid is still little, know this: the world won’t wait. If your child is Black or Brown, the world already has opinions about them. Let home be the place where they’re believed, loved, and prepared.
As white parents of Black kids, you can embrace conversations about race as early as toddlerhood. I remember my kids asking, “Was I in your tummy?” when my daughter saw a pregnant mom at preschool. It was a perfect moment to talk about their birth mom (who is Black) and my role as their forever mom. These early, honest talks build trust and resilience over time.
One More Thing: You’re Not a Savior
You are a parent. A learner. A listener. A fierce advocate.
But not a savior. This work isn’t about being “the good white person.” It’s about showing up, stumbling, getting back up, and showing up again. It’s about being a reliable presence in your child’s life, and in the fight for racial justice—not a hero, but a human.
This is a Beginning, Not an Ending
If you’ve read this far, you’ve already begun. That moment—when your kid came home with that story—wasn’t just a slap in the face. It was an open door.
Walk through it. Eyes open. Heart ready.
You are not alone.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If you’re a white parent of Black or Brown kids and you’re feeling overwhelmed, unsure where to start, or just need a compassionate guide on this journey, I’m here for you.
Schedule a free, no-pressure consultation with me. Let’s talk about your experience, your questions, and how you can show up fully for your child—and yourself—as you do this vital work.
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